Answering the Call
By Sarah Powers
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Identifying Loneliness
For me, retreats remain an essential part of spiritual unfolding. On one particular retreat in Burma, I encountered an emotional whirlwind that threatened to spiral me into deep despair and doubt. I had been away for a
few weeks and was missing my husband and 8-year-old daughter immensely. I looked around and saw few wedding rings on the other meditators. I tormented myself, imagining I was practically the only one with attachments at home—no doubt the only mother with a young child. I deserved to be having a difficult time, I thought. I had come at the wrong time in my life. My family needed me; I should never have left them for so long. Even more, I
felt I needed them.
This story ran obsessively inside me, and I became unable to focus my mind. I lost sight of the intentions that had brought me halfway around the world. I even considered leaving. After a few days of this, realizing I needed some
help, I brought up my inner state with my teacher. I knew he too had a spouse far away, so I asked him about missing her. His reply went straight to the heart of my longing.
"Have you ever noticed that in their presence you also sometimes feel this yearning?" he asked. When I nodded, he continued. "In reality, it is not them you are missing so much. You are missing you! You are missing being at
home inside yourself, and you are displacing the feeling, blaming it on the absence of your family. This disconnected feeling remains with us, whomever we are with and wherever we go, until we are finally willing to stop chasing
temporary circumstantial happiness. Once you touch your own inner reservoir of joy and contentment and learn to rest there, it won't matter so much where you go or whom you are with. When the voices of discontent resurface, you won't emotionally identify with them, and they will vanish as easily as they came. Only then will you experience true happiness. Of course, you will still have people you are naturally closer to, but the attachment to their
presence will subside. You will carry them in your heart with you everywhere, in the place where your own inner radiance already shines."
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