The Yoga of Relationships
Bringing mindfulness to your romantic life allows you to work with the inevitable difficulties and disappointments that arise.
By Phillip Moffitt
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I sat silently as the woman self-consciously settled herself onto the couch in my office. She was in her 30s, married, well established in her profession, and a sincere student of the dharma. She looked up after a few moments of reflection, smiled nervously, and said, "I guess you wonder why I'm here. I know you don't normally do these kinds of meetings with students, but I don't need an interview about my practice; I need a perspective on my personal life." I had recently worked intensely with this woman at a retreat, where she had told me she was in therapy and that it had been helpful in her life and practice. She was confident and very self-reliant, so I knew she would not casually ask for an appointment. "So let's hear it," I replied.
"I'm confused and contracted around my marriage," she began to explain. "It's not that there's anything really wrong; it's just that I don't have some feeling I thought I would have. The more successful and satisfying the other parts of my life are, the less vibrant the relationship feels. He's a good guy, and we're nice to each other. I'm not interested in some other man; it's just...well, that's why I'm here. I don't know what it is."
The woman frowned and continued, "Then, in my meditation practice, I see my endlessly wanting mind and the pointlessness of chasing after some happiness that he is supposed to provide. I know that my happiness can only be found within, but still there is this...disappointment. Just last night, as we walked down the street after having dinner with friends, it felt like I should be going to my home and he to his. We were just friends--it wasn't romance. It's not that I have to have romance; it is just that I thought...This is all just ridiculous!" She finished in a rush, her face now totally flushed. "What do I do with these feelings? What does the dharma tell me to do?"
I felt great empathy for her confusion. I've made plenty of mistakes in relationships, including being confused between the idealism of my practice and the realities of my emotional needs. But she was doing something wonderful with her confusion--she was using its energy to broaden her inquiry about herself and love. Supported by all the psychological work she had done, her integrity, and her mindfulness practice, she was opening herself to exploring the greater truth that underlies our craving for a romantic relationship.
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